How To

How to Masturbate in Bed While Your Wife Is Asleep Next to You

Once you finish up you can do this. Once you finish up you can do this.

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At some point during a marriage, every man will endure a sexual draught. These draughts are typically caused by pregnancy, newborns, weight gain, a demanding work schedule, or a host of other ridiculous reasons. No matter what the symptoms are, during a time of sexual draught, a married man is consistently denied permission to screw his partner for days, weeks, or even months.

As a result, a married man will typically resort to online pornography and masturbation. This is usually done after the wife goes to bed in a room such as the home's den to keep away from intruders. However, there are some men incapable of getting a good night's rest without the simple pleasures of a climax in bed. For these men, I have provided the following tips on how to jerk off in bed next to your sleeping wife...without getting caught.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

Things You’ll Need:

  • A wife that doesn't want to have sex
  • A cleanup device
  • Ability to get erect
Step1
Plant your cleanup device somewhere near you before going to bed. By planting a sock, or some old underwear near your position in bed you limit the amount of movement necessary during the post-masturbatorial stage. Hiding a sock under the pillow is usually bulletproof.
Step2
Encourage your wife's correct head placement on the pillow. This is a precautionary measure. Before your wife falls asleep, try to encourage her to sleep with her face away from the middle of the bed. If she is looking away, this gives you a few extra moments to "shut down shop" if for some reason she wakes up.
Step3
Monitor breathing habits to ensure your wife is in REM sleep. Once you believe your wife is asleep, try to ensure she's in REM sleep by checking her breathing pattern for 5-10 minutes. In REM, the pace of breathing slows down and consists of long, regular deep breaths, often in through the nostril and out through the mouth. The inability to determine when your wife is in REM sleep is the most common pitfall for bed masturbators.
Step4
Give a cough check. Before diving into full on masturbation, be sure to give one last cough check. This is esentially a microphone check. Your own version of the "test...test...1...2...3." The cough check is a mild mannered yet agressive cough which is performed to finalize the determination of your wife's sleep status. This check is both vocal and physical. Be sure that the cough includes a slight bounce in the bed. Some women react to noises while others react to movement. If there is no response to the cough check, move on to step 5. If there is a slight reaction, such as a stutter in breathing, try holding off for a few more minutes and move back to step 2. If she responds strongly with a head position change or a complete change in breathing habits, you might want to transition to bathroom masturbation.
Step5
Arrange your sheets and blanket at knee level. Moving all coverings to the knee level drastically reduces the chances of waking up your wife. It might seem like masturbating with a sheet or blanket over you is excellent protection from being noticed. In reality, bed coverings increase your chances for irregular blanket movement. Irregular blanket movement is like sreaming "I'm jerking off right next to you" in your wife's ear. Once arranged below the knee, you now have the green light.
Step6
Avoid lubricants. Lubricants can be loud and should always be avoided if possible. The random squishy sound is a huge risk to pulling off bed masturbation.
Step7
Slow and steady wins the race. Don't get too excited. By keeping your rhythm slow and steady you not only reduce the chances of your wife waking up but you also achieve maximum benefits. Prolonging the masturbation session increases stimulation and improves climax. Don't worry about how long it takes. As long as you keep it slow and steady, she'll never wake up.
Step8
Avoid vocals. Although its sometimes nice to give a nice grunt before ejucalating, it's never a good idea during bed masturbation. You might be done, but this often results in your wife waking up before you clean up the mess. You'll wake up with crusties all over your stomach.
Step9
Try to wipe up your mess with one strong swipe that envelopes a large area of the destruction you caused on your stomach, balls, and perhaps your chest. The ability to clean up quickly and swiftly is a major key to success.
Step10
Throw the cleanup device to an inconspicuous area of the room that is as far away from the bed as possible. You don't want your wife to wake up and smell the ejaculate.
Step11
Slowly pull the sheets back up and make it sound like you're just adjusting the position of your body. If she did wake up for a short second while you threw your cleanup device, it's essential to calm her nerves by pretending that your middle-of-the-night movement had nothing to do with jerking off.

Comments  

dithered said

on 4/4/2009 > Some women react to noises while others react to movement. How many wives do you have?

on 4/4/2009 Draught: I do not think it means what you think it means.

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